A certain topic often rolls around like a large bowling ball in my mind these days, knocking into every other issue or thought that exists there. That topic is unity. There is something that I had already discovered in being filled with the Holy Spirit- that joy that comes in submitting my full life to be filled with something other than my own will.
The joy that permeates me at every moment by being in God is equal to finally knowing the essence of life. I knew then what it meant, at least in part, to have unity in my own spirit with God. In ARC, I saw the unity that the Holy Spirit brought to a bunch of young people that was so pure and beautiful that my life felt ruined for anything less.
Then the Lord took me to Mozambique, told me there in a dark place to prepare myself, as my life was about to be approached and entered by something that I could not yet fathom. That “something” was an incredible creation named Herbert Barbutti…. Which by the way, means “Bearded Warrior of Light.” (Incredibly accurate, right?)
The day after the Lord spoke to me, Herbert surprised me by showing up on my doorstep, ready to sweep me away… which he did successfully, and is still doing daily.=)
In this season of dating we embarked on 11 months ago, I think we have both experienced a similar breaking down and molding experience. I would personally describe it more like having every layer of my flesh scraped back one by one and getting an opportunity to examine the strange beauty of something so complexly simple. The strangeness of it seemed hideously ugly to me at first, because I would see it with my own naked and blind eyes. Every layer is only made beautiful by God who binds us together and redeems our entire flesh, minds, hearts and spirits to be a mysterious reflection and temple of His glorious truth. Not only was I getting peeled back layer by hideous layer, I was standing very close to the man I love who endured the very same process. I slowly learned to not jump back or judge as we faced each new layer of ourselves and each other together. This picture may make some queasy, but the process was a messy one, and flecks of flesh would fly out or sometimes seemingly explode out onto one another during this process. Though there always seems more flesh to be found, eventually I was peeled to the bone. At this moment, I realized suddenly that I was made of flesh! Surprise, surprise. There, at the very naked bottom, I saw, through all the pain and weakness, that I was in such need of salvation that it seemed necessary to receive Christ all over again- but this time not only submitting to Christ, but also in full submission and naked vulnerability of the man that I love. I need Jesus. I love Him. I did not feel worthy in that moment to even tell Him I loved Him or attempt to worship, but somehow I knew I wanted to offer it to Him anyway.
I am made for intimacy, as is every human. But intimacy is different than I used to think. I have been stripped and scraped clean by the rawness of true intimacy. Many marriage books call it In-To-Me-See.
Unity requires intimacy which requires vulnerability which requires faith which requires love.
Thank You Jesus that You love us fiercely and that You give us to one another to be fulfilled in unity with one another. Allow us to learn always to seek Your desires so that we may be filled to overflowing with all the fullness of God.
Every day the man that I love pours his love out on me with no reserve, and I am dumbfounded by how deeply a man can love. Let me be freed from any earthly bounds I have put on the love You so freely gave us. I want to love deeply.